Planet of The Apes

   I sit here, at my computer, thinking, contemplating, wondering. I ask questions like, what does it all mean, I look at things and wonder why they are the way they are, and I question the injustice in the world. I want to know why Planet of The Apes was so bad. It had everything a good movie should. It had Monkeys, it had, well, Monkeys. Now ordinarily, Monkeys are plenty of fun, and can literally make or break a movie. For example, Return of the Jedi, was an excellent movie, and The Phantom Menace blew many goats. And all of it was due to the Monkeys, or lack there of, apparent in the said films.  However, this re-imagining of the classic Musical, starring Troy McLure, broke the rules in that it had the monkeys, but it still blew many a goat.

   During my Christian upbringing, I once saw this episode of a (shoddy – to say the least) TV show entitled McGee and Me.  Now, I agreed with the morals of this story and the idea that they had tried to educate kids with Christian values, however corny it may have been, and I always remember this episode, because the star of the show had snuck off into a theatre and seen a movie that legally, he would not be allowed to see. I never really had this problem because of the Parental Consent Letter my father gave me, but anyway, the moral of the story was shown by the guy, who wasn’t McGee, watching the movie, and then finding himself horrified by the gore, etc. which were apparent in the film. He was scarred for life, and could no longer continue living a normal life, or so the show suggested, however I have my doubts, I mean, I’ve seen Miss Congeniality, and things don’t get much more disturbing than that – or do they?

   Planet of The Apes. What the hell were they thinking? Getting back to McGee and Me, I never actually thought I would honestly be scarred by a movie so much that I would walk out feeling unclean, and dirty. Well, there was Dungeons & Dragons, but I walked in feeling unclean and dirty, so it doesn’t really count. What made Planet of The Apes, such a bad movie you ask? The acting was terrible. Mark Wahlberg is not, nor will he ever be, a decent action hero, (which is a good thing – aside from the fact that this needed someone who doesn’t arrange flowers in his spare time) and his co-star Helena Bonham Carter is less than adequate. Her character is too one dimensional, she is merely an ape who wants to help humans, and there is nothing else to her. There is one scene where she almost gets interesting, as betrayal always is, however predictably, she doesn’t buckle, or rather, is not given the opportunity to.

   The storyline is, at its best, a spaceman who gets sucked into some kind of electro-magnetic, a word which is overused so very much in science fiction films, storm, and gets thrown several hundred, if not several thousand years into the future. Into a reality where Apes rule Humans, and bestiality runs rampant. I was sufficiently disturbed by this concept, but it gets worse. They made the damn film a post modern masterpiece. Not by any real intention, but merely because the film doesn’t make any sense at all, you can interpret any the fuck way you want to.

   Is the movie telling us not to mess with the genetic code of our monkey masters? Is it telling us we should be kind to the monkey? Asking us how we would like it? I have no idea. One reading would be that it is encouraging all forms of animal, and animalistic sex, another could be that we should kill the apes to prevent a future where they rule us. Then again, aren’t we all really Apes at heart? Fuck No!

   Tim Burton will forever be, in my mind, the man who made me hate. After watching that movie, I don’t know if I have any reason to ever watch another movie again, for fear of it being as bad as Planet of The Apes. I think I have finally found a movie worse than Battlefield Earth – and that was about scientology. Planet of The Apes is possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. It is definitely been the worst movie I have seen this year, and I’ve seen some Doozeys. This year has featured Miss Congeniality, Pearl Harbour, The Mummy Returns, Enemy At The Gates, Proof of Life, Hannibal, and they’re just some of the ones I saw at the movies. I mean, if we go on to videos, French Kiss, Pleasantville, the list goes on and on.

   Tonight’s feature was, in all respects, shit. Well, except for the being shit, respect, in which case, it takes the cake and beats the other competitors with a fucking park bench. Funny at times, but only because of the cheesiness. “Damn Them All To Hell” is screamed by a dying ape and the clichéd bastards in Hollywood have copied something, and managed to botch it up more than most people ever could.

   Never before have I been so confused about a movie. All I have to say, is that I have been inspired to name my firstborn child Thade. And I will never – ever – kiss a monkey, because terrible things can happen. As well as this, one should note that the lovely people at Fox have done it again, and scarred me for life.

Final Score - 2% (And I Mean Every Percent of That)