Brown-Eyed-Girl
   It's a Saturday, the morning after a party, and I can't feel my face. Well, I can, but it's a sort of "Ahh! My Face! It's all tingly!" face that I can feel. This isn't a hangover, this isn't some sort of post-Josh's 18th Birthday disease, what it is however, is just another realisation about how empty my life can be. I have a dog, Gwen, and I hate her. I'm definitely a cat person, I hate dogs and everything to do with them, especially mine, because I have to live with it. This allergy causing, over-affectionate, eternally excited, mutt. She makes these big piles of crap at our back door, and as much as I hate it, nobody else seems to mind. So as I go out to the back yard, I have to step over her piles of crap, and it's no big deal, however of late, well, essentially ever since she started doing it, I've just been kicking her crap out of the way, as in, knocking it off our back steps and just out into the yard. The thing is, these piles mean the world to her, and she just brings it all back, she keeps rebuilding, the stupid dog just doesn't get it. She keeps on making these mountains of stupidity, and I keep kickin' 'em down. A while ago a thought occurred to me. I wonder if all the things I think are important to me, are actually just as futile as Gwen's piles of crap. For example, something that's important to me is my faith in God, but what if we are all some sort of pet to some horrible alien race or something, and as much as I believe that it's all true, and that it means the world to me, it's just not there, and really, it's an annoying pile of crap at the back door of our real masters. My drawings, paintings, writings, songs.. .. .. maybe it doesn't even have to be as far out as aliens and as philisophical as that.. The things of this world which are important to me, what if the rest of you are just humouring me, and like, the music I listen to, and the emotions I feel.. .. what if .. I don't want to even think about it, because I know it's true.

   Everything in my entire life that I have ever held on to is worthless to someone. I remember in year 9, on this really long school camp I went on called Pine Bluff we were down by a lake on a bivouac and we were unsupervised. We had a bit of spare time from building fires and playing cards, so I was down by the lake building a dam. I thought it might be a mark I could leave at a campsite, and I think in the back of my mind I was thinking "in 30,000 years, people might find this and think I worshipped the stars"... maybe.. Anyway, I spent a few hours on it. It wasn't really a damn so much as, a circle of rocks, like a camp fireplace on the shore of the beach. There were these huge rocks I lugged around although it was fairly obvious this 'dam' would do very little in the way of keeping out water. It had many holes in it, and it wasn't exactly the pillar of human achievement I thought it was going to be. It was maybe 1m high, probably a little less and with a diameter of say, a bit more than 2m... Anyway, I'd spent a few hours working on it, and it was, sort of getting dark. The people who I was camping with had been coming up to me all afternoon asking me what I was doing and what I thought I was doing, what I hoped I was doing, and just generally annoying the shit out of me, and finally when I called it quits, I was wandering back up to the campsite, when they just started beating the crap out of my monolith. ... ... (sad, sad, day)

   So why do I even bother? I mean, if there is no one out there who cares about the same things I do, nobody out there who will help me, stand up for me, stand with me, then where do I stand? If I'm all alone in this world, then I am nothing. A man is of no consequence unless he can raise an army of 200 000 men- Frederick the Great. I can't even find one person, let alone 200 000. What can I possibly do on my own in this world? I'm a weak, pathetic excuse for a human being, with no talents, experience .. and at times no humanity. So what purpose could I possibly have on this earth aside from just wasting oxygen and getting in the way of everyone else. Some people live their lives wanting to make a difference to the world, and others are content making a difference just in other's lives.. I would be happy if I could make a difference in my own life... But I can't. By myself I am nothing. I need other people to do everything for me, from getting me a beer, to dressing me in the morning. I'm the least dependable, and the most depending person in the world. Do not trust me with anything because chances are I'll screw it up. I can't do anything right, and hey, right now I'm in one of those downward spiral things where I just keep losing confidence day after day, losing friends day after day, losing my freakin mind.

   I'm out there looking for that Brown Eyed Girl. Maybe they can just be someone who'll be there for me. There's absolutely nothing wrong with my friends, they just don't understand. I mean, together, they all reflect bits and pieces of me, but the bits are so small.. .. our differences which pull us apart are so much bigger than our similarities which bring us together. I feel as though I'm just waiting around to finally meet someone, anyone who'll be like me. A friend who'll question the universe and watch the simpsons with me, who'll listen to Van Morrison, Dido, Metallica and Something For Kate with me.. .. but we know what the truth is, don't we. I'm alone for a reason.

   And fuck you, I don't want a girlfriend. (As much as you might say I need one.. )

   This is damn well pathetic. I hate people who say they deserve better than their lot in life, it's so pretentious, but is that what I'm saying here? No, I know that God is just, and that the things of this life will pass away. I just want to meet another me. Another person who I can relate to in not all, but even just a few ways. I'm sick of friendships based on single things like geography, culture... whatever.. It would be so good for these friendships.. .. well, I dunno, maybe what I'm really looking for, is a friend who'll value my friendship as much as I value there. A friend who won't kick down the piles of crap I leave at their back door.. .... From now on, I'm going to start being a better friend to everyone I know, and being more considerate.

I'll try not to kick down your piles of crap - even though they are piles of crap.

Because you're my friend, what's important to you, is important to me.

+Hing--->Out
The world is in trouble when I can lead by example.