Love
   I'm sorry, but I just have to get all this crap out of my system. I need to yell, and scream, and cry, and laugh and .. I need to know that I'll wake up tomorrow. I need to know that my family won't die in horrible car accidents. I need to know that my friends still remember me, that my parents still remember me, that God still remembers me. Why? Because I need to be the centre of attention. I need people to look at me, to notice me, to think about me. I'm a neurotic little self-centred puppet master. I need to feel as though I can love and be loved. 'Need', funny word that. 

As to th'need. Fine word, 'need'.
Well, my need, if this letter speed
And my invention drive, Edmond the base
Shall to th'need. I grow; I prosper;
Now gods, stand up for bastards.

   I don't get any of it. 

   Maybe there's something I've missed in life. Everyone else seems to be so together. Everybody else seems to know what they're doing. Well, I mean, they can cope with whatever they have to, whatever life throws at them, as rare as the movies tell us people like that are, they exist everywhere. Everyone seems so, complete. Why is it that small things tick me off? Why is it that things like trees, and ants and people and blinds and whatever make me stop and think? How come everyone else can just get on with their lives while I have to struggle with everything and anything? Am I some rare breed of confused, stupid, congenital defect? I am, aren't I. The answer is so clear and obvious. This is why I'm different. It's because they can all cope with it, and I can't. I'm the weak little pathetic child and everyone around me is the mature adult. I'm the one who makes excuse after excuse and they're the ones who can sit down and be bothered. I'm the one who can't do a single thing right, and they seem to have it all. I'm the selfish prick who can't seem to think about anybody else, and they're all so selfless.

   To simplify it most bluntly, .. .. oh who am I kidding. It cannot be blunt. I am imperfect, just like everybody else on this earth. The problem is, everybody else, can see that they're imperfect and when they have a problem with themselves they try and fix it. I just harp about it constantly until somebody fixes it for me. Why? What makes me so weak? Or is all this just an excuse for me to escape? What is a reason but an excuse, and what is an excuse but escapism? I don't understand. I just don't. I feel, but I don't feel. I love, but I don't love. I know, but I don't know. It's 12:30 in the morning, and I don't know why I'm not in bed. I have to be at a friend's house for a Bible study in 11 hours and I'm questioning whether I even know what it is to be a Christian. I used to think it was cool that I would beyond a shadow of a doubt, stand up to be shot as a Christian when a man questioned my faith, now I know it's not that I love my Lord especially, but rather I don't need life anymore. The ultimate test to be a Christian is usually, would you be willing to die for your Lord, but that's assuming life itself is the most important thing to you. Mine isn't. I don't understand life. I don't understand anything about it. I don't understand me, or life, or why I want to be alive. In fact, I don't get why I am here. I can't do anything right. Why don't I value my life?

   Well why should I? For ever time I have felt happy in my life, there are 2 or 3 nights I've spent crying. For every person I love, there are 10 who hate me. Then there are all the faceless reasons for me to give up. Things like war and terrorism, things like America and .. . well.. Humanity I guess. Couldn't I do more in death than in life? If I want to glorify my Lord, isn't the best way to do that by dieing for him? .. Does it matter that my life doesn't mean much to me? Am I living for other people? Some weird mistaken belief that I'm required in this world. ... or maybe I just crave the attention. Maybe that's one thing I fear about telling people I'm a Christian. That suddenly, that's all I am, I'm no longer me, I'm just a Christian. Just a Christian. How can I be just a Christian. I don't get it. Life just makes me want to tear it all apart Life makes me want to burn things and be angry.. Life makes me want to love things and be happy. Love though, Love? What the hell is it? Love is being willing to die for something. Is it? My life is worth shit all to me. I don't know why, it shouldn't be, should it? Do I really have anything to live for? Do I have lots to live for? I don't know. Love is... love doesn't exist. does it? Go on, Prove Love Exists. Absence of Proof is not Proof of Absence. .. I am Love. I am nothing. I'm not anything, I'm not nothing, I'm not love. 

   I don't want to turn to the Bible because I don't want to follow the doctrine of a major religion. I want to live my own life. And that's the problem with humanity. Everybody thinks they can do it themselves. I never turn to ask people for help. I always think I can  do it myself. Which is a load of crap. we all know I can't. We all know I need more help than anybody else ever will. I have to stop wanting to be myself. Stop trying to work out what 'myself' is. I don't know who I am, I don't know who you are either. You don't know who I am, or do you. Maybe you know me better than I know me. You probably do. Maybe you notice things I don't notice, maybe you can see things I don't see. Maybe I should accept the fact that I don't get any of it, and in reality, I'm not supposed to. Why is love such an intriguing concept? ... Especially interesting for something that mightn't even exist. 

   Do I only love things because I have to? I mean, I don't even know what loving is. I'm so ignorant of the whole damn thing. Love is a four letter word. And my thoughts race around my head like mice in their wheels, like waters down a waterfall, like bacteria on a petrii dish, like. .. . the crazed mind of a man who doesn't know why. And yet now it's 10 to 1 and I still haven't figured anything out. All I know is how little I know. All I understand is how little I understand.. All I love is how little I love? No. Then again, I don't even know if I want to love, if I'm willing to love, if anybody needs my love. Questions suck. The fact that I have no idea sucks. The thoughts in my head suck. When I look around the room, all I see is emptiness, loneliness, all I see when I look into my heart is the huge gaping hole that needs something, and I know that that something should be Christ. I know that he should be able to fill all the holes in my life. For some reason this one just stays there.

   I don't even know what I'm talking about. What is a hole in your life? How the hell can you feel empty? Everything's comparative, right? So what are you comparing it to? I don't know whether or not I .. it's 12:52. I'm going to bed. It's a few days later, and I want to sleep in but I can't. 7:34 am and love just keeps popping into my head. I don't know why. Is love just a social construct used to combat people's insecurities? Like, if I'm feeling bad about myself, I reckon if I knew somebody loved me then that'd make me a little happier. It'd be an awesome confidence builder to know that you were loved. Jesus loves me. .... I feel as though I'm some brainwashed being who only knows Jesus loves him because he's been told it. Sure, he died for me and everything, but could that mean that he didn't really value life? I mean, to die for someone like me, you couldn't really value your life, could you? It's still an amazing thing that he did, I mean, yeah, saving me like that is pretty cool, and I owe him a lot.. ... .... I guess I'm just thankful that Jesus isn't as shallow as me.

   As it stands though, I don't get love. I don't understand why you would do it. It seems so illogical. Well, anti-evolutionary. The more you care about others, the less you care about yourself, so shouldn't that mean that those who can love are dieing out... .. Wow, I think I just realised how far evolved I have become. There's a new species in the world. Homo-"Unable-to-love,-care,-or-enjoy-life". I remember thinking a while back that compassion was anti-evolutionary, that y'know, letting old people live on and letting people with defective genes breed is (although in my opinion morally admirable) from a pure "human species is nothing more than an animal, point of view", stupid. Well, it looks like compassion is dieing out with this new generation too. It's a sad existence though when we realise that love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe though, without love, hate cannot exist. Because love and hate are similar in so many ways. I wouldn't go as far as some, and suggest that they are the same emotion, but they are still similar in that they are  both passionate and simultaneously the most powerful emotions on earth, where they differ, I believe, is.. well,,, Love is willing to die for something to exist, hate is willing to die for something to, well, not-exist. .. Question my simplistic (and general) definitions if you want, but as general rules they're fairly strong definitions of emotions. Evolution, eh? Social Evolution, eh? Society has is corrupting our entire species, but nobody can see it. They're all too busy.

They'd. Rather. Go. Skiing.

Hing+--->Out
What means this bloody knife?