I read a story today that was sent to me by an old friend. Now, because I'm interested in say, preventing nuclear fucking war, I took this to heart. I'm not one who usually bothers himself in international affairs. (The Court Says I'm Actually Not Allowed To After that Whole Nuremburg Thing - but that's another story) So anyway, I'd like to take this opportunity to defy the courts, and I present to you, a letter I have written to George W. Bush which will hopefully prevent nuclear war.
Dear President Bush II,
I am a mere mortal who lives Down Under, in Australia. Remember? That little country down south you just committed to fu-nuclear-ucking war. I'm not usually a violent person, and so by default I am against this concept. You however, don't seem to give a toss when you pretty much condemn the world into another arms race. Isn't it funny how the last big one of these we had involved you guys too. What's the deal with that? Do you guys want to extinguish humanity? Not that many of you would come under that umbrella though.
So exactly what's my beef, you ask? Well I am not impressed that you assume because of some treaty we signed 50 years ago that all Australians, or even some, are going to jump up and run into battle, guns blazing and limbs falling off. It strikes me as hypocritical, that it was the Bush administration, the very people who are calling us to honour a treaty, who have expressed their intention to disregard two treaties signed not 20 years ago.
You ask the people of Australia to go to war on the basis of the ANZUS treaty. Well wasn't it you who just told the Russians to go fuck themselves over the various SALT agreements? Wasn't it you who snubbed the Kyoto Protocol? In fact, in both instances, you were looking out for your own asses. With the disregard you showed to the SALT agreements, you were planning and preaching Missile Defence. With Kyoto, it was all about how America - the pollution capital of the world - (literally and metaphorically) could get those 100,000 extra cars, and burn those 100 million extra barrels of fuel. If you guys needed our help in kicking someone's ass, I doubt I'd go. Firstly, if you need our help, you're essentially already fucked.
Our defence state is Fucking South Australia
And as suitable as that is, because with South Australia as our Defence State, we'd be defending ourselves against .. .. well.. Fuckin' Antarctica and Tasmania - and that's all Cosgrove and his cronies are really equipped to do (eg. The Fu-Collins-ucking Class Tug Boats). I mean firstly, we own like 26% of Antarctica, and 100% of Tasmania, and secondly like, if the bastards revolted, we'd only be taking out like a few friggin' penguins and a couple o inbred bitches. Maybe Moby Dick's fat ass as well. - I'm Bitter, So Bite Me.
So getting back to my original point, if you fuckers need our help, unless it's against say, Switzerland or maybe the Vatican City - you've pretty much already lost. If you guys can't deal with 'em, what the friggin difference do you think we're gonna make? If the other side's winning, chances are, the Aussies'll back them. It's part of our character. We'll support the underdog if he's got a chance at winning, but in our hearts, we're rooting for Essendon, for Ferrari, heck, even for the friggin Thorpedo. Truth be told in a war between The U.S. and China over Taiwan, I'd probably back China. No offence or anything, but you guys probably wouldn't do that good a job - not the best track record.
Just two examples of this are The Bay of Pigs and Vietnam. In both situations, America had, and deployed a vastly superior force to that of their enemies, and in both instances they lost. You guys got your butts whipped by Cuba and Fuckin' Vietnam. Not to mention whatever the hell you were trying in Korea. Fuck, you guys sure did a good job at crushing Communism, I mean, Russia had to pretty much fuck itself over - with absolutely no American interference - to obtain all the wonderful trinkets associated with Western Democracy - but that's another story. So seriously, what kind of chance do the buggers (of which you are) have against China? Have you seen the Chinese Army March? Dude! These Guy are Communists - They eat capitalism for breakfast. These guys number about - oh - 1 or 2 billion. You couldn't take China in conventional warfare if you tried - bitch.
Which has led me to believe that, since you've got no hope of bloody well beating the Chinese in you're average Bang-Bang war, you'll turn to your precious weapons of mass destruction. Now, by this time, hopefully, for your sake, you guys will have some sort of missile defence system in place - which I hope Russia or China vigorously test as soon as you install - and there won't be a whole heap of retaliation directly towards America because they will cover their asses. So who will the now Radioactive Chinese turn their retaliatory attentions to? Whoever was fighting alongside America. And that would be us. Now don't try and tell me that you bastards are going to protect our country with your fancy shmancy shield. With China, Indo-fucking-nesia and Korea as close as they are, your Missile Defence may as well be a sheet of glad wrap. Quite honestly - we're screwed.
Now, as well as the obvious stupidity of supporting America in a war against China over Taiwan, there's the issue of the ANZUS treaty - a truly masterful blunder in the way of Alliances that never should have happened. Now, you guys have said, y'know, please support us, because, it is Australia's duty. It is the destiny of Australia's sons and daughters to fight and die alongside America's sons and daughters. I say go fuck yourself. Now, I say this, because if we were invaded by Indonesia, and let's face it, it's going to happen one day, would you guys jump up and say "Hey you there - Indo. ... . whatever - stop picking on our smaller, southerly brothers and sisters." ? - No, you fuckin well wouldn't. You'd run to the Cardboard Lion that is the UN and say, "Quick - Australia's in trouble.. .. Let's fucking well put trade sanctions against Indonesia." Now, that'd work - cause we all know how well it did with fuckin Iraq - except for the tiny fact that Australia is Indonesia's biggest, or one of their biggest, trade partners. And once they own this place, there's not going to be much they need to trade now, is there? Heck, they've got the resources, and the child labour now, what else do they need? Australia's primary industries, Indonesia's Child-Labour-Endorsing Secondary Industries, and then they can just sell their shit to like - well probably you guys, cause you don't give a damn about the UN do you?
The whole ANZUS thing only came about cause you wouldn't let us join NATO. I mean, we just wanted to kill a few Commies, but now that Russia's gone to hell in a hand-basket, the only Commies we can beat on are in places like China, Korea and Vietnam. Funny - cause that's pretty much where we make all our shit anyway - I love a sun burnt fucking country.
I used to think that America was this knight in shining armour. They brought us McDonalds, they brought us Microsoft, they brought us fuckin' Nationalist Democracy. I used to be a big fan of all three. I was young and naive, I didn't actually realise they were all cancers upon society. I don't want globalisation to happen - I really don't. What does this have to do with Australia backing America? Simple. Nothing amalgamates countries and spreads information more rapidly than war. The most dramatic example of this was 19th century Russia. What you had was an incredibly backward nation in Russia, being invaded by an advanced, Napoleonic France, and so the spread of things like Political Ideologies, technology and various new economic models happened. What I'm referring to is the Patriotic War of 1812. Now because of the vast differences between the two nations, the change was almost immediate.
France penetrated deep into Russian Territory, as in all the way to Moscow, and as the French retreated after their initial invasion, they left behind the remnants of a Advanced, Imperial Nation. As well as those invaded by France, those allied with France also experienced the fruits of the French Labour. I do not want to see this happen to Australia - that is final. America influences our culture in too many ways already, I find myself listening to American music, drinking American coffee, watching American Movies, heck, I think Paddy pays for American Hookers - and although sometimes these things are great, they come at an expense to Australian Music, Coffee and Movies. America Blows Goats.
As well as all this shit though, I'm a big fan of the environment. Not only do I not want it to get blown to fuckin hell, your backflip on Kyoto hurt, and hurt real bad. We've Only Got One Earth. It's the same with the Australian Government. Stop being such a selfish bitch. I mean, you guys are looking out for profit. You want to gain something, not retain something. One might argue that by not partaking in the World War Fucking III Australia could equally be a selfish bitch - One would be retarded to assume so. By not partaking in the war, Australia would be retaining that which is ours, by backing down on Kyoto, America wasn't just trying to save stuff, they were trying to fuckin gain stuff.
Finally, your back down on SALT, pisses me off. I do not wanna see this world end any time soon. So keep your fuckin nuclear weapons away and stop calling Iraq bitches for making biological warfare weapons when you guys are making fuckin nuclear arsenals. The way you guys keep backing down on treaties, how the hell could you even think we'd honour a treaty we made with you. It's not your place to tell us what to do, or who to fight for. We're not the Australia of the First World War. When you, or Britain, or anybody fuckin else says "We're going to war" we'll think about it for 20 - 30 minutes before we commit ourselves. Have a beer, and get back to you. It's the Australian Way.
Hing - The World is Not Enough.
A·mer·i·can (
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-kn)i·can·ness
n.